Hit from every side

1. I picked up my oldest daughter Friday from the airport where she spent some time with some family. After she told me about the fun she'd had, she proceeded to share with me some feeling she had about my parenting and once again how to handle the younger siblings. I realize I don't take criticism well when my #1 job is under attack. I think I just turn into a mother bear. I realize also that the other times this has happened (other people who want to tell me what to do, since I'm just not getting it) I get very defensive. I've tried to calm down, catch my breath and admit that I don't do everything right. I admit though that I had to talk to someone that told me I was a good mother, someone I mothered. He made me feel much better. My husband likewise told me I am a good mother. He's such a great cheerleader for me! I went back and told her that I do value her opinion and would like to hear her ideas. She gave me a book to read, open mindedly, so we'll see what happens.
2. Another child proceeded to tell me that they have free agency and can do what they want. After much debate (mostly me listening to his justifications) he did decide to take some bad music off of his IPOD and go to church of his own free will.
3. And the last child had some papers out which I happened to glance at and caught a word or two about birth family and wanting to run away. I had to read more (which I got caught at) and was saddened by the things I read. I thought things were going steadily better. I realize as I've had time to think about it, that at this age all of my children have not liked home, nor me, but I was all they had. This time I compete with a fantasy birth mom who (in that fantasy) would have provided a better life. This is a new feeling I haven't had to deal with yet.
This is a hard job, but I have hope! My hubby and I both fasted for inspiration and guidance on how to handle each situation. I will try to listen and follow those promptings that will help us endure.

Wow, we just did this . . .

I include the following letter written to a "responsibility-challenged" 23-year-old.
Dear Lex:I need to apologize. I am so sorry! I've been stealing from you for years. I haven't taken anything like money… or any of your things. What I have stolen is your self-respect. I've also stood in the way of you becoming a man. I haven't done this on purpose. I did it because I love you very much. I really thought that I was doing the right thing by protecting you from the world. Now I realize that you need a chance to see that you have what it takes to make it in the world.When you were just a little boy, you were afraid to learn how to swim. Because I worried that you might drown if you ever fell in a pond or a pool, I forced you to get in the water for your first lesson. You were so mad at me! That's until you learned how to float and paddle your way around the pool. Then you were so proud. On the way home from the pool, you smiled from ear to ear.That's what I want for you now. That's why I'm expecting you to dive into adulthood by moving out and becoming completely self-supporting.If you decide that you would like to continue your education by going to trade school or community college, you may live here with us as long as you are doing your fair share of housework, are fun to be around, and are earning money to help us with utilities, food, and other miscellaneous expenses.Let me know what you decide.Love,Dad
I love how L&L encourages us, as parents, to apologize to our children when we don't get it quite right. Apposed to apologizing when we do get it right. I say "sorry" too much, but am learning when to say it.
This is pretty much what we did about 2 months ago with one of our adult children. I'm happy to report that he seems to be learning about the world around him and his place in it, making goals and really seeing what he wants out of life.

Sometimes ya gotta just Shut Up!

The spirit often tells me this; "just walk away" or "don't say another word". I have been a champ in the past at lecturing and nagging. This example from L & L points out a better way.

Maya approached me about the problem she was having with her daughter. "Jim, you told us to lock in empathy before telling kids the consequence. (Empathy, we'll discuss in another post) I have to tell you that it doesn’t work. I do it and my daughter just goes off on me.""Oh, that's not good," I responded. "Demonstrate to me how you did it and maybe I can help." "Well, she missed her curfew. So when she came in I said, 'I'm so sorry you missed your curfew. I warned you about it, but you did it anyway. Now you're grounded. I'm sick and tired of you thinking that you can do any old thing you want to do. We've got rules and you are going to follow them.'" Maya's incident reminds us of the two ways we can cause Love and Logic to backfire on us. The first is to use anger. The second is to use too many words. Maya did both of these. In this case, Maya's first mistake was saying, "I'm so sorry." Talking about how we feel is not empathy. Empathy refers to the other person or the situation. It would have been better had she said, "This is so sad. I'm going to have to do something about this, but not now. I need to think it over first." Had she said that, and then spent some time cooling down, she would have probably recognized that her added threat and lecture would make things worse.

How I need to phrase things

A thought from Love & Logic. Sometimes I remember to say it like these examples, and it really works! (I especially like the 4th point*)

Take great care of yourself by setting limits without anger, lectures, threats, or repeated warnings. Instead of trying to reconstruct through strict discipline…or walk on eggshells by remaining an outsider, use Enforceable Statements to assertively describe how they will operate. Examples include:
*I'll listen when your voice is calm.
*I'll be happy to do the extra things I do for you when I feel respected.
*I'll get that for you when I see that you've finished your chores.
*I argue at six o'clock on Saturday mornings.
*I'll let you know about that after I talk with your dad (or mom).
*I'm fine with you having that as long as you have the money to pay for it.

For more ideas on setting limits with Enforceable Statements, study our CD, Love Me Enough to Set Some Limits.

Enemies

Why was I so mean yesterday? A grouch! PMS! or something!
When I first read "Bonds That Make Us Free", I thought the very first chapter was kind of strange. Why was the author so upset with himself? He was so justified in his feelings towards his son. I even thought he managed his tongue well. What did he do so wrong? But after I read the whole book, I read that chapter again. I could see what he meant, that he had made his own son, that boy he loved so much, his enemy in his heart. I sure did that yesterday. I know why they say you're in a box regarding certain people; you feel cut off from who they really are, and who you really are.
I'm sorry I veiwed them all as enemies yesterday. (and I can't even say I managed my tongue well)
I'm glad there is a new day to start again.

Ourselves as Parents

We have feelings of helplessness, loss of control, deep inadequacies, convincing ourselves that nothing we do can make us worthwhile and acceptable, or make a difference.
The self any of us doubts, feels ashamed or guilty about, perhaps even wishes to annihilate is not really who we are, but a fear-driven phantasm, not grounded in reality.

- thoughts from "Bonds That Make Us Free"